Sunday, August 12, 2007

Nicholas Cage....Bear Suit....Oh My!

Warning: The following post was written well over a week ago and most likely makes no sense whatsoever. It's been a long few weeks here in anotheraspiringauthor land and I'm frankly too tired to think of something else. You have been warned.

It's been some time since I've posted one of my famous (okay, maybe famous only to me) hopelessly outdated movie reviews. And boy is this ever a doozy. I watched The Wicker Man last night and now can only wish I'd listened to my inner voice and turned it to the Paint Drying Channel instead. I have six words for you: Nicholas Cage in a bear suit. That pretty much sums it up. Oh, you need more? Well, I suppose if I must, though I seriously doubt I'll be able to do justice to this truly horrible movie. And what's so sad about the whole thing is there was some definite potential for a good story. Nicholas Cage (hereafter dubbed Bear Man) plays a California cop who pulls over a station wagon for the terrible offence of a baby doll accidentally falling from the roof of their car. He stops them on a dangerous hill and proceeds to lecture the mother and daughter about safety, blah, blah, bratty blonde girl tosses the doll back into the street, blah, blah, blah he goes after it and then the station wagon is creamed by a semi-truck for no apparent reason. And let me tell you, the blah, blah, blahs were probably the best part. He mopes around for several days until out of the blue he receives a letter from an ex-fiancee begging him for help to find her missing daughter. Though he hasn't heard from her in many years, and though anyone with half a brain, let alone a supposed experienced police man, can see that not only is the daughter in question his daughter but the letter is also an apparent set-up, he drops everything and rushes up to Washington State where he has absolutely no jurisdiction to help his damsel in distress. He flies out to remote obviously female-dominated island where he proceeds to flash his badge around and yell at anyone who will listen to him. Okay, frankly I'm boring even myself. Cut scene to annual festival where offerings are made to "The Goddess" to provide good crops for the coming year (apparently grocery stores are in short supply here) and everyone running around in animal costumes (hence the bear suit) and the errant daughter finally being located. Bear Man eventually figures out what we've known for hours: ex-fiancee has tricked him into coming to the island to become the "real sacrifice" for the ritual. The only true satisfaction I received at this point was watching him burn to death inside the head of the 10-story "Wicker Man" as he screams like a girl for several long minutes. Now, normally I'm not this bloodthirsty but take my word for it: He had it coming. I read on IMDb that this is actually a remake of a 1973 Edward Woodward (loved The Equalizer) movie. Maybe I should have rented that instead.

And so at the end of all this what have I learned? I had to walk away from this bad movie with something didn't I? Naturally. It did make me think about my current WIP and making sure it contains no Nicholas Cage in a beart suit moments i.e. plot twists that just scream slap me upside the face with it why don't you? This book is my first "real" attempt at a carefully thought out plot and I'm not sure how adept I'll be at gentle foreshadowing, etc. In the meantime, I've officially sworn off all Nicholas Cage movies. I still haven't forgiven him for Ghost Rider, but The Wicker Man was definitely much, much worse.

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